It’s easier not to care…

That is the reality of it all.

It’s easier not to care about yourself – or anyone else; that way you’re never disappointed or hurt.

This is the head-space I find myself in, the first day back.

I returned to Food Addicts Anonymous this week, and today is my official Day 1.

I decided to return, 9 months after leaving the program, because I’ve been in a steady decline into depression and have gained all the weight back plus some.

But mostly I missed the support.

I missed calling people and having people care about how I’m feeling. The members of FA are genuinely there for you, and that’s something I’m not good at creating in my everyday life, on my own.

Sure, I have friends that are there for me, and who can hold space, but I worry about burdening them, and I worry about loading my shit onto them. FA is different. FA members EXPECT you to call and EXPECT you to be open with them about your emotions. It is one of the compulsory steps for every member to have 3 phone calls a day, so this framework of mutually beneficial support opens these emotional doors wide on each member and forces you to be open with yourself and others about how you feel every day – money cannot buy that kind of support; trust me, 5 years of therapy later… I know.

I’ve found myself confronted with a range of not-all-predictable emotions today; doubt, fear, resistance, sadness, lacking, empowerment, resilience, commitment, detox lethargy (caffeine withdrawals), and many more.

It would be possible to just say “nah, this isn’t for me”, but not at all easy. That’s like admitting to everyone I saw today at the meeting, my partner and myself that I’m not strong enough to commit to the things I say I’m going to do, that I’m afraid of this change, that I’m too scared and too weak to see this through – and quite simply, that is not true.

I am strong enough. I am brave enough. I am courageous enough. I can do this. I have done this. I am worth more than my current circumstances. I miss the happy me, the confident me, the vivacious me. The world deserves the best of me, my partner deserves the best of me, I deserve the best of me.

Difficult though it is, I will remain steadfast. Though not perfect, this plan gives me something I so struggle to create on my own; support and structure.

 

Day 1, 2 & 3 – A Recap -Rediscovering Recovery

Day 1: It was a Friday, I remember waking up excited/nervous about being back in the wider world; wider food world. I remember having a normal breakfast, and a normal lunch and went out to dinner. I ate mindfully at dinner, then stopped at the store and purchased a few pleasures I’d been denied for so long. A sampling of my favourites. I shared most of them, took the rest home, had one portion of each and put them away. I haven’t had any since. I’m not depriving myself, I just haven’t felt like any.

Day 2: Yesterday… I had a normal breakfast, no lunch, half a banana and a small normal dinner. I spent the day being a pillow for my cousins new born and food wasn’t anything I felt like for most of the day.

Day 3: Today – Breakfast as per previous post, lunch was 3/4 of a Coffin Croissant made by a friend at her bakery, I said I’d come try and I did. The croissant was delicious, but the fruit filling was much too sour for my liking. I left this:

Today is still in flux and I’m sure I’ll have more to add soon, with dinner and everything.

I will say, that in the past 3 days, I don’t think I’ve finished any of my food. I think that for every single meal I’ve had I’ve either shared it, left some on the plate, taken it with me or put it back – not an intentional behaviour, I’ve just noticed it. I actually think it’s a good habit to have, to always leave something, but I’m mindful not to force it. I want to feel free to eat whatever my body feels to, without restriction, limitation or judgement from inside or outside my mind.

One day at a time.

I will embody peace and balance.

One day at a time.

Day 3 – Food Recovery – Why I Left Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous

So…. I left FA last Thursday.

I was 10 days away from my 90 days.

I want to talk about why I left and my thoughts on the program.

First of all, I will acknowledge that this program seems to work for a fair few people. Based on their shares at meetings and what not, I can tell that the program has changed their life, and for that reason, all my thoughts on the program are my own.

Why I left:

1. I found the program to be far too controlling. The program expects that you make it the MOST important thing in your life. It is widely accepted that people view this as a life and death situation and this is the chemo to your cancer (if you will). The commitment from the members everyday and every week is not without merit. To be a successful member is to make this one of the largest parts of your life.
2. I didn’t agree with the lifelong dependence encouraged in the program. They do not teach reintegration, moderation or self regulation. They promote the idea that without this program, and its controls, you will fail. There is open sharing around how many people have come and gone and everyone (or most) who have left, have gained their weight back. They don’t teach you how to correct your behaviour around food. They don’t attempt to fill in the blanks or heal your past learned behaviours.
3. I found some members’ approach to the program too punitive. Some sponsors believe in controls so exact and unforgiving that they will drop you or demote you back to day 1, for things like; eating outside the designated eating windows, if you miss a meal because you were sick, if you don’t go to a meeting because you’re going away for the weekend, etc. While I appreciate that they have these boundaries for the people who like to find loopholes, I found it too overwhelming and unliveable.

 

All of the above said, I did get a lot from the program, as below:

1. I gained a reset – I feel like I’ve been able to start again with food. From my years of therapy and successful self regulation in the past, I feel like I’m coming back into the world armed with confidence, knowledge of what is the right way to eat and a good springboard from which to launch my healing and true recovery. For me, true recovery is the ability to eat whatever you want and maintain a healthy weight – achieved through a normal approach to food, no bingeing episodes and balanced diet.
2. I have a firm understanding of what a healthy, balanced diet is and what I can achieve when I put my mind to it.
3. I understand more of my emotional triggers and when in the program I was given freedom from my food thoughts and poor self esteem, and space to focus on the areas of me I need to heal.
4. I was boosted back to a healthy confidence in myself and my ability to make good choices for myself. This is the ideal place to start eating mindfully from, to restart my conscious, mindful eating practices (ie, slow chewing and focus on texture and flavour, putting the fork down between eat bite, listening to my body and it’s cues to stop, reminding myself that I can eat WHATEVER I want AS LONG AS I practice the mindful eating behaviours).

Sample time; below is a photo of the breakfast I just ordered. I’ve had 1/3 of a medium coffee (and my body has decided it’s done with that), it’s 12:35pm and this is my first meal. I will I’ll take another photo of the meal, once I’ve finished mindful eating (bear in mind, I come from a place where no matter what my body wanted I would finish everything on that plate – and that may be the case today, but only if my body needs it).

See below; I ate less than half before my body lost interest in eating. The flavours became dull, and my stomach stopped all signals for food. I left 1 egg, 1.5/2 pieces of toast, half the mushrooms and most of the tomatoes. Chilli and lemon were taken with the plate. It is such an interesting reminder to see how little my stomach actually wants/needs, and so liberating to remember I can (usually) take the leftovers home for a late supper.

I’m still slowly sipping on my coffee, which is lukewarm now, and at about half empty. I know coffee suppresses my appetite, so I’m mindful to take the leftovers with me in case I’m hungry again soon.

I rest in comfort knowing I can eat anything my heart, stomach and self desires as long as I practice mindful eating. Coming off the back of addiction therapy, I know that if I don’t practice mindful eating properly, the only place left for me is FA again. The thought of going back just because I don’t feel like practicing mindful eating is enough to keep me on track, and focused at each meal time. I don’t want to have to live within such a controlled environment, I don’t want to need the constraints of that kind of program. I want to eat freely, normally and without guilt. I want to eat whatever I want, in the amounts my body needs and maintain a healthy weight. I can achieve this with mindful eating, no dieting and the abolishment of all “bad” foods.

I’m excited and I hope you’ll join me for the ride. 💕

 

Day 79 – Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous

Today was… fine?

The are many days where nothing emotionally eventful happens – this was another one of those days.

I still felt the same as I have over the last few days, as below:

• What am I doing with my LIFE?!
  • I don’t want to work in corporate anymore.
  • I don’t want to work for other people anymore.
  • I want to work for myself, but I have no idea what I want to commit my life too.
  • I want to explore more of my creative side but I’m afraid it’s not enough to support my life and I’ll end up in financial trouble.
  • I want to write more but I’m afraid I’ll have nothing to say, or what I have to say will be rubbish. That I’m no good at writing.
  • I’d also like more time to paint and do other creative things.

As I write this, I become aware that writing is probably the only thing I could do professionally. Despite the above, I am confident in my abilities, I just feel like an absolute rookie.

The program – FA – helps me stay clear through the day. Helps me not eat myself into oblivion while I deal with all these overwhelming and destabilising feelings.

I am missing easter, that I wasn’t able to participate in easter. A big part of me just wants to go to the supermarket and buy all the discounted Easter eggs and enjoyyyyy myself.

When I think about it, it feels like exhaling. Relaxing. Joy. Excitement. Happiness.

When I find myself thinking about eating it feels comfortable. I feel like it’s where I belong. It feels like the most familiar place to be, where I can relax.

I really miss that… and sometimes it’s not easy saying no to the idea of that.

I also really need to stop watching Instagram videos making desserts.

Day 78 – Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous

23rd of April, 2019

 

Coming out of a four day, long weekend that saw me struggle without the scaffolding of routine, I am hopeful and cautious leading into the week.

I note a familiar bitterness toward the controls and limitations of this program, and my adolescent, rebellious side slamming the door in my face.

It’s refreshing to know my inner adult is keeping me on course and grounded, though as expected, my inner teenager has nothing but angst at the idea of being grounded.

This program really does bring out the real tug-of-war present inside us all. Desire v. Responsibility. Work v. Play. Rest v. Action.

I suppose the nature of ‘adulting’ is to do what you have to do, because you should, not because you want to. Massive eye roll later and here we are, still abstinent, still on track.

I realised there is also a defining moment of ‘difference’. Feeling like you’re existing outside the life you’ve always known – and it almost makes my skin crawl.

I didn’t hate my life before hand, I just hated my relationship with food.

I’m in a perpetual Question Time with myself around whether or not I’m a food addict and if this program is designed for someone like me.

All I do know is the idea of going back to my old relationship with food, could only end in darkness.

Day 71

16/04/2019

 

Day 71

 

I’ve found it very challenging recently. Dealing with multiple confrontational conversations where the other party is unwilling to hear how I feel, or my version of events. It reminds me a lot of growing up without a voice. Growing up afraid to talk in case someone used it as a platform to verbally attack me. My voice felt stifled a lot as a child. I vividly remember never saying how I felt, because I was afraid, afraid that I’d be yelled at, afraid that I’d be taken out of context and just generally afraid that anything I’d say would be wrong. In my adult life, I take high amounts of caution to research my beliefs and ensure I am armed with information in the event that this happens. In my emotional landscape, I cannot research how to be right. I can’t read in a book how to successfully be correct about my perspective. I can read books on how to manage others and their emotions, and to read them and how to create an environment of productive conversation, but I can’t read how to make people grow and develop in an instant to be able to read me and my pain.

Then again, I suppose it isn’t their pain. It’s my pain. It’s something I wear, something I need to manage and something I need to heal.

This trigger word – pain – in this discussion, has just hit me like an arrow to my heart. I link confrontational conversation to pain. Emotional upset, tears, internalised crying, silence, yessing people until they’ve vented enough to leave me alone so I can finally exhale, bury the experience and carry on.

As I type this out, it seems to evolve in my mind as a form of abuse.

The way I remember being berated, walking on egg shells every morning of my late teens until she woke up – and then feeling a sense of freeze until we knew what mood she was in.

I remember being a small child, being given a choice out of two activities for the day. We, me, my brother and my father’s partners daughter, were asked if we’d like to go to the football or if we wanted to go to the movies. Excited, we discussed this in the backseat of the car. Collectively we conspired and agreed we wanted to go to the movies.

This resulted in my father complaining about children and the choices they make. He ranted and raved about how ‘lost’ our generation was and we ended up not doing either thing as he decided that it was no different to watching a movie at home. I remember feeling wrong. Feeling trapped. Feeling like my voice was wrong and didn’t have a place.

This tied very strongly into my father’s chosen parenting style. He was big on “do as you’re told – no questions”. I remember feeling a distinct inability to connect with my father as a result. Forever afraid that anything I said would offend him. Afraid that any of my opinions – mostly those different to his – would result in an argument. As a result, I put distance between him and I, because I disagreed with a lot of his beliefs. Even to this day, any imaginary conversations I have with him in my head are confrontational – mostly me venting and telling him how I’ve felt all these years. Lots of emotional unloading.

It occurs to me as I type, that he may have a similar issue. Any attempts in the past to discuss my anger or to delve into my emotions has left him wanting to run away. He never wants to talk about it. He just tells me he loves me and he’s sorry for my pain and his struggle to exist in that conversation is very evident – this has gotten more severe the older I’ve become, and the less restrained I’ve become in this area.

I am acutely aware that I need to heal this part of myself, but I’m so afraid.

Therapy: Round 2, Session 3

Last night we talked about the below:

Why am I in therapy?

• Happiness
• Normality
• Finally Grow Up Internally

Where am I at in this round?

• I feel my inner toddler has been tended to, she is happy and bubbly most of the time.
• My inner 10-14 year old is the final stage
  • She is rebellious, scared, sensitive and afraid.
  • Her sassy-ness is wearing away and behind it I am finding someone who is afraid of being wrong, someone who has deep roots in feeling bad/wrong/insufficient/inadequate.
  • Her rebellion is lessening the further we go.

What are my current triggers?

• Need to be alone
• Feeling of wrongness
• Nervousness
• Social Pressure
• Panic around not being fed – not enough structured and installed meals
• Misreading actual hunger and bingeing

What am I currently working on?

• Habits
• Mature Body and Mature Mind making all eating decisions – Separating the innocent emotions and their reactions from the activity of eating. Closing the door on eating processes when we feel emotional and sitting with the emotion – allow it to be discussed, felt, cry if needed, console and move forward.
• Nurturing myself and embracing the feeling and knowledge that my magic is real. Investing in my internal magic so it can radiate throughout my entire world.
• Trigger recognition
• Trusting the internal adult – building confidence in her as she nurtures with a firm tone and loves with affection and praise. Trusting in her as her boundaries are set and provide a safe place in which to conduct ourselves. This trust is one of the most important elements to recovery.
• The management of guilt and shame; see – http://www.huffingtonpost.com/hale-dwoskin/guilt-and-shame_b_3862489.html? – These two feelings are often responses to strong unrelenting standards. A real need to understand that 75% is ok, sometimes 50% is ok. Being kind and gentle with myself again. Moving away from demanding and panicked exceptions around wanting something different. Understanding how valuable this process is long term and that for lifelong results I have to slow down, and know that each small decision will become the bigger picture and soon enough I will blink and be where I wanted to be.

Just overate…

I just overate. Past the point of full, past the point of satisfied.

I can almost pin point when I had had enough, but I kept going. Fear of missing out. Fear of not having it again anytime soon (even though I’ve had the same thing 3 times in 7 days).

I wouldn’t call it a binge because it hasn’t snowballed like they do, it was just a session where I ate more than I needed in that moment.

Feeling very full and very sickly at the moment.

Lesson:

• Listen and read your stomach when ordering food.
• Order the quantity that sits the best with your pre-existing knowledge of your appetite – not your current hunger levels.
• Know that you’ll feel sick if you push past that physical cue to stop.
• Relax and respect the process of eating. Know that you’re nourishing yourself in this moment and that you are taking the time to thank your body for supporting you, endlessly.

Therapy; Round 2, Session 2.

In this session, we went through the below:

1. Addiction, extreme behavior, low emotional intelligence, low emotional processing are all highly present with in my family.
   1. My brother overeats, extreme diets, overeats, binges, extreme diets, etc throughout his entire life.
   2. My mother binge eats to deal with letting go of alcoholism, also overeats.
   3. My nephew is being taught how to hide food, binge, panic around food.
2. No-one knows how to sit with an emotion – instead as a family we seek outside stimulation to numb/process the feeling.
3. Watching my nephew panic around restricted foods is all too familiar. My internal child has the exact same reaction whenever she gets a hold of similar foods – any food that was felt to be restricted.
   1. She/he gets it in her hands and runs into another room, hides, stashes, eats in comfort/private.
   2. Panics when the food is taken away.
   3. Doesn’t share.
   4. Feels the need to hoard and keep safe. Must keep safe. Cannot share. May not ever get again. Have to keep and eat as much as I can.
   5. Cannot relax around food.

 

I seem to carry these habits in my own inner child. She feels like is living in constant fear of the food being taken away from her, she cannot relax into it and know that she can and will have it every day. She lives in seemingly indefinite panic whenever this food is around her.

Solution:

• Make the restricted food apart of each day. Have a moment each day where she receives some type of restricted food in what your adult deems an appropriate quantity for her. It can be chocolate, ice cream, mars bar, brownies, etc.
• Make sure she consumes the item in a quiet, relaxed place. Is not distracted by any devices.
• Make sure the consumption of the food is after one of the main meals; lunch or dinner.
• Ensure the following food structure is in place – breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner, snack (RF).
• Ensure she receives this each day. The same above pattern.
• Ensure she knows there is no need to eat past comfort as there will be more tomorrow and the next day and the next day.
• Ensure the cupboard is kept stocked so she doesn’t feel the panic of loss – at least for the first month or two as she adjusts to the change in dynamic.

 

Amazing practical session.

Eating Patterns and Bingeing

Okay, so, I’ve recently began watching a YouTube blogger who address all the issues I live with.

This Girl Audra . Check her out. This is one of my favorite videos:

She makes a very valid point which I find really helps reframe this behavior and turns it into a simple daily task – instead of a mind journey that drains you every day.

Bingeing = Your bodies attempts to re-feed after periods of restriction

.

It’s a simple biological response. Youre over eating because you have restricted. Most typically, your binge food/s are the things you restrict.

Feed your body well, with all types of food, everyday. Feed and nourish yourself everyday.

Have your binge food/s, every day.

For one of your snacks, have your binge foods. Daily.

When I was doing this during my last recovery, I remember getting to the point where I didn’t even want to the food everyday. Some days ok, but it’s was totally demystified.

I know I’ve learnt this before but she reframes it really well. ❤