Day 3 – Food Recovery – Why I Left Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous

So…. I left FA last Thursday.

I was 10 days away from my 90 days.

I want to talk about why I left and my thoughts on the program.

First of all, I will acknowledge that this program seems to work for a fair few people. Based on their shares at meetings and what not, I can tell that the program has changed their life, and for that reason, all my thoughts on the program are my own.

Why I left:

1. I found the program to be far too controlling. The program expects that you make it the MOST important thing in your life. It is widely accepted that people view this as a life and death situation and this is the chemo to your cancer (if you will). The commitment from the members everyday and every week is not without merit. To be a successful member is to make this one of the largest parts of your life.
2. I didn’t agree with the lifelong dependence encouraged in the program. They do not teach reintegration, moderation or self regulation. They promote the idea that without this program, and its controls, you will fail. There is open sharing around how many people have come and gone and everyone (or most) who have left, have gained their weight back. They don’t teach you how to correct your behaviour around food. They don’t attempt to fill in the blanks or heal your past learned behaviours.
3. I found some members’ approach to the program too punitive. Some sponsors believe in controls so exact and unforgiving that they will drop you or demote you back to day 1, for things like; eating outside the designated eating windows, if you miss a meal because you were sick, if you don’t go to a meeting because you’re going away for the weekend, etc. While I appreciate that they have these boundaries for the people who like to find loopholes, I found it too overwhelming and unliveable.

 

All of the above said, I did get a lot from the program, as below:

1. I gained a reset – I feel like I’ve been able to start again with food. From my years of therapy and successful self regulation in the past, I feel like I’m coming back into the world armed with confidence, knowledge of what is the right way to eat and a good springboard from which to launch my healing and true recovery. For me, true recovery is the ability to eat whatever you want and maintain a healthy weight – achieved through a normal approach to food, no bingeing episodes and balanced diet.
2. I have a firm understanding of what a healthy, balanced diet is and what I can achieve when I put my mind to it.
3. I understand more of my emotional triggers and when in the program I was given freedom from my food thoughts and poor self esteem, and space to focus on the areas of me I need to heal.
4. I was boosted back to a healthy confidence in myself and my ability to make good choices for myself. This is the ideal place to start eating mindfully from, to restart my conscious, mindful eating practices (ie, slow chewing and focus on texture and flavour, putting the fork down between eat bite, listening to my body and it’s cues to stop, reminding myself that I can eat WHATEVER I want AS LONG AS I practice the mindful eating behaviours).

Sample time; below is a photo of the breakfast I just ordered. I’ve had 1/3 of a medium coffee (and my body has decided it’s done with that), it’s 12:35pm and this is my first meal. I will I’ll take another photo of the meal, once I’ve finished mindful eating (bear in mind, I come from a place where no matter what my body wanted I would finish everything on that plate – and that may be the case today, but only if my body needs it).

See below; I ate less than half before my body lost interest in eating. The flavours became dull, and my stomach stopped all signals for food. I left 1 egg, 1.5/2 pieces of toast, half the mushrooms and most of the tomatoes. Chilli and lemon were taken with the plate. It is such an interesting reminder to see how little my stomach actually wants/needs, and so liberating to remember I can (usually) take the leftovers home for a late supper.

I’m still slowly sipping on my coffee, which is lukewarm now, and at about half empty. I know coffee suppresses my appetite, so I’m mindful to take the leftovers with me in case I’m hungry again soon.

I rest in comfort knowing I can eat anything my heart, stomach and self desires as long as I practice mindful eating. Coming off the back of addiction therapy, I know that if I don’t practice mindful eating properly, the only place left for me is FA again. The thought of going back just because I don’t feel like practicing mindful eating is enough to keep me on track, and focused at each meal time. I don’t want to have to live within such a controlled environment, I don’t want to need the constraints of that kind of program. I want to eat freely, normally and without guilt. I want to eat whatever I want, in the amounts my body needs and maintain a healthy weight. I can achieve this with mindful eating, no dieting and the abolishment of all “bad” foods.

I’m excited and I hope you’ll join me for the ride. 💕

 

Day 79 – Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous

Today was… fine?

The are many days where nothing emotionally eventful happens – this was another one of those days.

I still felt the same as I have over the last few days, as below:

• What am I doing with my LIFE?!
  • I don’t want to work in corporate anymore.
  • I don’t want to work for other people anymore.
  • I want to work for myself, but I have no idea what I want to commit my life too.
  • I want to explore more of my creative side but I’m afraid it’s not enough to support my life and I’ll end up in financial trouble.
  • I want to write more but I’m afraid I’ll have nothing to say, or what I have to say will be rubbish. That I’m no good at writing.
  • I’d also like more time to paint and do other creative things.

As I write this, I become aware that writing is probably the only thing I could do professionally. Despite the above, I am confident in my abilities, I just feel like an absolute rookie.

The program – FA – helps me stay clear through the day. Helps me not eat myself into oblivion while I deal with all these overwhelming and destabilising feelings.

I am missing easter, that I wasn’t able to participate in easter. A big part of me just wants to go to the supermarket and buy all the discounted Easter eggs and enjoyyyyy myself.

When I think about it, it feels like exhaling. Relaxing. Joy. Excitement. Happiness.

When I find myself thinking about eating it feels comfortable. I feel like it’s where I belong. It feels like the most familiar place to be, where I can relax.

I really miss that… and sometimes it’s not easy saying no to the idea of that.

I also really need to stop watching Instagram videos making desserts.

Day 78 – Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous

23rd of April, 2019

 

Coming out of a four day, long weekend that saw me struggle without the scaffolding of routine, I am hopeful and cautious leading into the week.

I note a familiar bitterness toward the controls and limitations of this program, and my adolescent, rebellious side slamming the door in my face.

It’s refreshing to know my inner adult is keeping me on course and grounded, though as expected, my inner teenager has nothing but angst at the idea of being grounded.

This program really does bring out the real tug-of-war present inside us all. Desire v. Responsibility. Work v. Play. Rest v. Action.

I suppose the nature of ‘adulting’ is to do what you have to do, because you should, not because you want to. Massive eye roll later and here we are, still abstinent, still on track.

I realised there is also a defining moment of ‘difference’. Feeling like you’re existing outside the life you’ve always known – and it almost makes my skin crawl.

I didn’t hate my life before hand, I just hated my relationship with food.

I’m in a perpetual Question Time with myself around whether or not I’m a food addict and if this program is designed for someone like me.

All I do know is the idea of going back to my old relationship with food, could only end in darkness.

Day 77 – Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous

22nd of April, 2019

“I don’t want to do this any more, I don’t want this program telling me what to do anymore! I’m sick of feeling like I don’t have my life and I don’t have my self will!”

My internal dialogue this weekend has been rough. It feels like my inner child had the worlds biggest tantrum today because she thought the holiday period was going to be a time for rest, and a time for relaxation.

She rebelled aggressively and just wanted to feel like she could have some say over what she did with her time.

Curiously, I’ve been trying to figure out if there is/was more to this tantrum than met the eye. The only factors that keep coming up were; I was tired, I was feeling numb, I wanted excitement and I wanted to feel alive.

The clear feeling of ‘brat’ was felt within.

The program – up until this long weekend – has been fairly easy for me. No real ups and downs that have brought me to my knees. I can say I think I got the closest to giving up I’ve been this weekend.

I fantasied about how easy it would be to enjoy Easter like everyone else, partake in the chocolate extravaganza happening around the world.

I chose not to.

I chose not to unravel all the work I’ve already done and I chose to pray for commitment to the program and the strength to realign myself.

I actively ensured I completed all my tools intentionally (thus far I have, 2 calls left to make and a prayer tonight).

I’ve found that out of my normal routine, I need to be cautious and still practical about my daily requirements, in order to ensure I stay on the path.

I’m looking forward to a better tomorrow and the next day.