Day 1, 2 & 3 – A Recap -Rediscovering Recovery

Day 1: It was a Friday, I remember waking up excited/nervous about being back in the wider world; wider food world. I remember having a normal breakfast, and a normal lunch and went out to dinner. I ate mindfully at dinner, then stopped at the store and purchased a few pleasures I’d been denied for so long. A sampling of my favourites. I shared most of them, took the rest home, had one portion of each and put them away. I haven’t had any since. I’m not depriving myself, I just haven’t felt like any.

Day 2: Yesterday… I had a normal breakfast, no lunch, half a banana and a small normal dinner. I spent the day being a pillow for my cousins new born and food wasn’t anything I felt like for most of the day.

Day 3: Today – Breakfast as per previous post, lunch was 3/4 of a Coffin Croissant made by a friend at her bakery, I said I’d come try and I did. The croissant was delicious, but the fruit filling was much too sour for my liking. I left this:

Today is still in flux and I’m sure I’ll have more to add soon, with dinner and everything.

I will say, that in the past 3 days, I don’t think I’ve finished any of my food. I think that for every single meal I’ve had I’ve either shared it, left some on the plate, taken it with me or put it back – not an intentional behaviour, I’ve just noticed it. I actually think it’s a good habit to have, to always leave something, but I’m mindful not to force it. I want to feel free to eat whatever my body feels to, without restriction, limitation or judgement from inside or outside my mind.

One day at a time.

I will embody peace and balance.

One day at a time.

Day 3 – Food Recovery – Why I Left Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous

So…. I left FA last Thursday.

I was 10 days away from my 90 days.

I want to talk about why I left and my thoughts on the program.

First of all, I will acknowledge that this program seems to work for a fair few people. Based on their shares at meetings and what not, I can tell that the program has changed their life, and for that reason, all my thoughts on the program are my own.

Why I left:

1. I found the program to be far too controlling. The program expects that you make it the MOST important thing in your life. It is widely accepted that people view this as a life and death situation and this is the chemo to your cancer (if you will). The commitment from the members everyday and every week is not without merit. To be a successful member is to make this one of the largest parts of your life.
2. I didn’t agree with the lifelong dependence encouraged in the program. They do not teach reintegration, moderation or self regulation. They promote the idea that without this program, and its controls, you will fail. There is open sharing around how many people have come and gone and everyone (or most) who have left, have gained their weight back. They don’t teach you how to correct your behaviour around food. They don’t attempt to fill in the blanks or heal your past learned behaviours.
3. I found some members’ approach to the program too punitive. Some sponsors believe in controls so exact and unforgiving that they will drop you or demote you back to day 1, for things like; eating outside the designated eating windows, if you miss a meal because you were sick, if you don’t go to a meeting because you’re going away for the weekend, etc. While I appreciate that they have these boundaries for the people who like to find loopholes, I found it too overwhelming and unliveable.

 

All of the above said, I did get a lot from the program, as below:

1. I gained a reset – I feel like I’ve been able to start again with food. From my years of therapy and successful self regulation in the past, I feel like I’m coming back into the world armed with confidence, knowledge of what is the right way to eat and a good springboard from which to launch my healing and true recovery. For me, true recovery is the ability to eat whatever you want and maintain a healthy weight – achieved through a normal approach to food, no bingeing episodes and balanced diet.
2. I have a firm understanding of what a healthy, balanced diet is and what I can achieve when I put my mind to it.
3. I understand more of my emotional triggers and when in the program I was given freedom from my food thoughts and poor self esteem, and space to focus on the areas of me I need to heal.
4. I was boosted back to a healthy confidence in myself and my ability to make good choices for myself. This is the ideal place to start eating mindfully from, to restart my conscious, mindful eating practices (ie, slow chewing and focus on texture and flavour, putting the fork down between eat bite, listening to my body and it’s cues to stop, reminding myself that I can eat WHATEVER I want AS LONG AS I practice the mindful eating behaviours).

Sample time; below is a photo of the breakfast I just ordered. I’ve had 1/3 of a medium coffee (and my body has decided it’s done with that), it’s 12:35pm and this is my first meal. I will I’ll take another photo of the meal, once I’ve finished mindful eating (bear in mind, I come from a place where no matter what my body wanted I would finish everything on that plate – and that may be the case today, but only if my body needs it).

See below; I ate less than half before my body lost interest in eating. The flavours became dull, and my stomach stopped all signals for food. I left 1 egg, 1.5/2 pieces of toast, half the mushrooms and most of the tomatoes. Chilli and lemon were taken with the plate. It is such an interesting reminder to see how little my stomach actually wants/needs, and so liberating to remember I can (usually) take the leftovers home for a late supper.

I’m still slowly sipping on my coffee, which is lukewarm now, and at about half empty. I know coffee suppresses my appetite, so I’m mindful to take the leftovers with me in case I’m hungry again soon.

I rest in comfort knowing I can eat anything my heart, stomach and self desires as long as I practice mindful eating. Coming off the back of addiction therapy, I know that if I don’t practice mindful eating properly, the only place left for me is FA again. The thought of going back just because I don’t feel like practicing mindful eating is enough to keep me on track, and focused at each meal time. I don’t want to have to live within such a controlled environment, I don’t want to need the constraints of that kind of program. I want to eat freely, normally and without guilt. I want to eat whatever I want, in the amounts my body needs and maintain a healthy weight. I can achieve this with mindful eating, no dieting and the abolishment of all “bad” foods.

I’m excited and I hope you’ll join me for the ride. 💕

 

Day 79 – Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous

Today was… fine?

The are many days where nothing emotionally eventful happens – this was another one of those days.

I still felt the same as I have over the last few days, as below:

• What am I doing with my LIFE?!
  • I don’t want to work in corporate anymore.
  • I don’t want to work for other people anymore.
  • I want to work for myself, but I have no idea what I want to commit my life too.
  • I want to explore more of my creative side but I’m afraid it’s not enough to support my life and I’ll end up in financial trouble.
  • I want to write more but I’m afraid I’ll have nothing to say, or what I have to say will be rubbish. That I’m no good at writing.
  • I’d also like more time to paint and do other creative things.

As I write this, I become aware that writing is probably the only thing I could do professionally. Despite the above, I am confident in my abilities, I just feel like an absolute rookie.

The program – FA – helps me stay clear through the day. Helps me not eat myself into oblivion while I deal with all these overwhelming and destabilising feelings.

I am missing easter, that I wasn’t able to participate in easter. A big part of me just wants to go to the supermarket and buy all the discounted Easter eggs and enjoyyyyy myself.

When I think about it, it feels like exhaling. Relaxing. Joy. Excitement. Happiness.

When I find myself thinking about eating it feels comfortable. I feel like it’s where I belong. It feels like the most familiar place to be, where I can relax.

I really miss that… and sometimes it’s not easy saying no to the idea of that.

I also really need to stop watching Instagram videos making desserts.

Day 78 – Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous

23rd of April, 2019

 

Coming out of a four day, long weekend that saw me struggle without the scaffolding of routine, I am hopeful and cautious leading into the week.

I note a familiar bitterness toward the controls and limitations of this program, and my adolescent, rebellious side slamming the door in my face.

It’s refreshing to know my inner adult is keeping me on course and grounded, though as expected, my inner teenager has nothing but angst at the idea of being grounded.

This program really does bring out the real tug-of-war present inside us all. Desire v. Responsibility. Work v. Play. Rest v. Action.

I suppose the nature of ‘adulting’ is to do what you have to do, because you should, not because you want to. Massive eye roll later and here we are, still abstinent, still on track.

I realised there is also a defining moment of ‘difference’. Feeling like you’re existing outside the life you’ve always known – and it almost makes my skin crawl.

I didn’t hate my life before hand, I just hated my relationship with food.

I’m in a perpetual Question Time with myself around whether or not I’m a food addict and if this program is designed for someone like me.

All I do know is the idea of going back to my old relationship with food, could only end in darkness.

Day 77 – Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous

22nd of April, 2019

“I don’t want to do this any more, I don’t want this program telling me what to do anymore! I’m sick of feeling like I don’t have my life and I don’t have my self will!”

My internal dialogue this weekend has been rough. It feels like my inner child had the worlds biggest tantrum today because she thought the holiday period was going to be a time for rest, and a time for relaxation.

She rebelled aggressively and just wanted to feel like she could have some say over what she did with her time.

Curiously, I’ve been trying to figure out if there is/was more to this tantrum than met the eye. The only factors that keep coming up were; I was tired, I was feeling numb, I wanted excitement and I wanted to feel alive.

The clear feeling of ‘brat’ was felt within.

The program – up until this long weekend – has been fairly easy for me. No real ups and downs that have brought me to my knees. I can say I think I got the closest to giving up I’ve been this weekend.

I fantasied about how easy it would be to enjoy Easter like everyone else, partake in the chocolate extravaganza happening around the world.

I chose not to.

I chose not to unravel all the work I’ve already done and I chose to pray for commitment to the program and the strength to realign myself.

I actively ensured I completed all my tools intentionally (thus far I have, 2 calls left to make and a prayer tonight).

I’ve found that out of my normal routine, I need to be cautious and still practical about my daily requirements, in order to ensure I stay on the path.

I’m looking forward to a better tomorrow and the next day.

 

 

Therapy; Round 2, Session 2.

In this session, we went through the below:

1. Addiction, extreme behavior, low emotional intelligence, low emotional processing are all highly present with in my family.
   1. My brother overeats, extreme diets, overeats, binges, extreme diets, etc throughout his entire life.
   2. My mother binge eats to deal with letting go of alcoholism, also overeats.
   3. My nephew is being taught how to hide food, binge, panic around food.
2. No-one knows how to sit with an emotion – instead as a family we seek outside stimulation to numb/process the feeling.
3. Watching my nephew panic around restricted foods is all too familiar. My internal child has the exact same reaction whenever she gets a hold of similar foods – any food that was felt to be restricted.
   1. She/he gets it in her hands and runs into another room, hides, stashes, eats in comfort/private.
   2. Panics when the food is taken away.
   3. Doesn’t share.
   4. Feels the need to hoard and keep safe. Must keep safe. Cannot share. May not ever get again. Have to keep and eat as much as I can.
   5. Cannot relax around food.

 

I seem to carry these habits in my own inner child. She feels like is living in constant fear of the food being taken away from her, she cannot relax into it and know that she can and will have it every day. She lives in seemingly indefinite panic whenever this food is around her.

Solution:

• Make the restricted food apart of each day. Have a moment each day where she receives some type of restricted food in what your adult deems an appropriate quantity for her. It can be chocolate, ice cream, mars bar, brownies, etc.
• Make sure she consumes the item in a quiet, relaxed place. Is not distracted by any devices.
• Make sure the consumption of the food is after one of the main meals; lunch or dinner.
• Ensure the following food structure is in place – breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner, snack (RF).
• Ensure she receives this each day. The same above pattern.
• Ensure she knows there is no need to eat past comfort as there will be more tomorrow and the next day and the next day.
• Ensure the cupboard is kept stocked so she doesn’t feel the panic of loss – at least for the first month or two as she adjusts to the change in dynamic.

 

Amazing practical session.

Volcano Recovery

When I reflect on the last 2-ish years, I feel the full weight of the sunken failure that has brought me to today.

It feels like I am mush.

My internal dialogue is optimistic but incredibly pained and sad that I am here.

I feel sick. Daily.

I binge like I am going to die if I don’t eat more.

In an effort to drown out my sadness I engage in my current habit – bingeing.

I often think that going back to the gym would give me what I want and replace my habit but I am concerned that I won’t be addressing the internal darkness that I will instead be amplifying one of my harshest traits – unrelenting standards.

I struggle with the negotiation between numbing/dealing with my pain and doing what’s best for myself.

I don’t want to form a habit that isn’t going to serve me in the long run – I don’t want a band-aid fix.

I want to heal.

Dear GOD, I want to heal.

I want to heal the pain that swells inside me every night.

I want to heal the wounds that keep me hurt and in a cycle of constant, reoccurring pain.

Eating Patterns and Bingeing

Okay, so, I’ve recently began watching a YouTube blogger who address all the issues I live with.

This Girl Audra . Check her out. This is one of my favorite videos:

She makes a very valid point which I find really helps reframe this behavior and turns it into a simple daily task – instead of a mind journey that drains you every day.

Bingeing = Your bodies attempts to re-feed after periods of restriction

.

It’s a simple biological response. Youre over eating because you have restricted. Most typically, your binge food/s are the things you restrict.

Feed your body well, with all types of food, everyday. Feed and nourish yourself everyday.

Have your binge food/s, every day.

For one of your snacks, have your binge foods. Daily.

When I was doing this during my last recovery, I remember getting to the point where I didn’t even want to the food everyday. Some days ok, but it’s was totally demystified.

I know I’ve learnt this before but she reframes it really well. ❤

Notes from Recovery

Current mood and outlook:

Calm, happy, not  anxious, not dreading the next meal. Just calm and relieved. Slowly building confidence in how amazing this approach is. Fear is here, talking some doubt shit. But this place is familiar, I’ve been here before, it felt like this last time it worked – so I decided to put it down in case I forget it.

Current Practice:

* Never diet. Don’t even give it the time of day in your mind.

* Eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. Know that you will feed yourself AT LEAST three times a day. Any amount of snacks are okay too, becuase I eat when I want food. The three meal structure can often be hard to meet, because it ends up being a lot of food some days; other days, it’s not enough. The anticipation of these meals stop hunger fueled binges; when I get hungry I look at my next closest meal and usually it’s at or around the time of one of those meals, so I check in with my body, ask her what she feels like, run through a list of options and wait for one to light her up.

* Mindful eating. When I’m eating I take a potion of the food, lower the fork or food and chew. Thinking about the texture and really enjoying the taste. This is no race. I slowly eat my meals, allowing for my body to communicate with my mind. There comes a point when I lose interest in the food or my body clearly says, STOP, IM DONE. At this point I know to pack up. If you’re like me and can find it hard to leave half your plate behind or throw it out (this happens at almost every meal, except snacks) think about these points:- thank the food, for nourishing you before disposing of it; the money spent on the food is ALREADY GONE, no point trying to get your value and overeating, food is there to provide nourishment, you have no obligation to eat every morsel. Eat until you are nourished and the food has done it’s job.

Get used to getting a doggy bag, more often than not I take half my food home. You don’t need to throw it out. It can be dinner or lunch the next day. Could be a side to dinner. Could be a snack later on. Doggy bags are life.

* Listen to your body. I cannot stress enough the importance of listening to your body. I come from a looooooong history of eating disorders and through this past I was lead to believe I couldn’t trust my body, that she was against me, she didn’t want to be healthy, she was making me eat all these horrible things and ruining my life. Now I know all my faculties were doing the best the knew how to support me emotionally, physically and otherwise. Unfortunately this distrust meant when I felt sick every day I overate it was a sort of revenge. I didn’t care that I felt sick until it hurt. Every time it hurt I knew what I was doing was killing me. Trusting my body was what set me free. She knows what she needs, she has no fear telling me. She is the only voice I can trust to know what is best for me. Her whole job is to keep my mind alive, healthy and in optimal condition. I had to stop trying to make choices for her and allow her to make the choices that suit her the best.

With all of the above in mind, my anxiety had gone. I don’t fear eating, meal times, food and make decisions. THE DECISION ISNT MINE ANYMOREEEEE. My body now makes the choices and relinquishing the responsibility back to where it belongs is such a relief. I don’t fear if I will binge, I don’t fear if I will make bad choices. The doubt lingers like an unwelcome party guest, but I have to have total faith in my body and her abilities. My mind has no idea what’s the best and thus far has made horrible decisions for my body. There is ZERO restrictions. No bad food. No diets. Everything is available. If my body says it’s keen, I am keen. She gets exactly how much she needs. We carry on. Food becomes a moot issue. Trust is implicit and each day we get stronger as an alliance.

Hey boo…

UPDATE:

1. I went back to Therapy last week (Best thing I could have done for myself).
2. Feeling like I’m back on track to recovery.
3. Currently reading:
   1. The Kindness Pact – Domonique Bertolucci
      1. I actually feel I could read this book over and over and over again. A very easy read, small, compact book. Lent to me by my Therapist, I am going to buy my own copy and maybe buy a few and give them to my friends.

   2. Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem – Matthew McKay

      1. A far more technical read, much more dry. Containing some great insights, less instructional more informative.
4. Currently working with:
   1. Gratitude Journal – Kikki K
   2. Yoga
   3. Dance
   4. Affirmations

 

Okay, so, while reading The Kindness Pact this morning, I came across a paragraph that really resonated with me. I think of my situation as a daily struggle. I think that each day I will struggle to make the right choices and I’ll have a hard time saying no to chocolate and I’ll have to fight myself . I worry every morning when I wake up that my day will be a repeat of a binge. I worry that I’ll let myself down. I worry that I won’t be my best – then I read this:

“Worrying is a destructive habit. It can be both consuming and exhausting, but for all the energy it absorbs it offers you nothing in return. Not only is worrying a waste of energy, it also sends a clear message to your subconscious about your expectations in life. When you worry things might go wrong, your subconscious interprets this as an expectation that things will go wrong.”

So today I tell myself this:

“I am confident I will make the right choices for myself today and everyday”

I need to, I will, I do:

1. Trust myself
2. Have confidence in my abilities to do what is best for me
3. Have confidence in my strengths and weaknesses
4. Love myself
5. Worry less and focus on right now
6. Live in each moment
7. Focus on my ideal future and be the best version of myself to make that happen

To be continued…