It’s easier not to care…

That is the reality of it all.

It’s easier not to care about yourself – or anyone else; that way you’re never disappointed or hurt.

This is the head-space I find myself in, the first day back.

I returned to Food Addicts Anonymous this week, and today is my official Day 1.

I decided to return, 9 months after leaving the program, because I’ve been in a steady decline into depression and have gained all the weight back plus some.

But mostly I missed the support.

I missed calling people and having people care about how I’m feeling. The members of FA are genuinely there for you, and that’s something I’m not good at creating in my everyday life, on my own.

Sure, I have friends that are there for me, and who can hold space, but I worry about burdening them, and I worry about loading my shit onto them. FA is different. FA members EXPECT you to call and EXPECT you to be open with them about your emotions. It is one of the compulsory steps for every member to have 3 phone calls a day, so this framework of mutually beneficial support opens these emotional doors wide on each member and forces you to be open with yourself and others about how you feel every day – money cannot buy that kind of support; trust me, 5 years of therapy later… I know.

I’ve found myself confronted with a range of not-all-predictable emotions today; doubt, fear, resistance, sadness, lacking, empowerment, resilience, commitment, detox lethargy (caffeine withdrawals), and many more.

It would be possible to just say “nah, this isn’t for me”, but not at all easy. That’s like admitting to everyone I saw today at the meeting, my partner and myself that I’m not strong enough to commit to the things I say I’m going to do, that I’m afraid of this change, that I’m too scared and too weak to see this through – and quite simply, that is not true.

I am strong enough. I am brave enough. I am courageous enough. I can do this. I have done this. I am worth more than my current circumstances. I miss the happy me, the confident me, the vivacious me. The world deserves the best of me, my partner deserves the best of me, I deserve the best of me.

Difficult though it is, I will remain steadfast. Though not perfect, this plan gives me something I so struggle to create on my own; support and structure.

 

Day 78 – Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous

23rd of April, 2019

 

Coming out of a four day, long weekend that saw me struggle without the scaffolding of routine, I am hopeful and cautious leading into the week.

I note a familiar bitterness toward the controls and limitations of this program, and my adolescent, rebellious side slamming the door in my face.

It’s refreshing to know my inner adult is keeping me on course and grounded, though as expected, my inner teenager has nothing but angst at the idea of being grounded.

This program really does bring out the real tug-of-war present inside us all. Desire v. Responsibility. Work v. Play. Rest v. Action.

I suppose the nature of ‘adulting’ is to do what you have to do, because you should, not because you want to. Massive eye roll later and here we are, still abstinent, still on track.

I realised there is also a defining moment of ‘difference’. Feeling like you’re existing outside the life you’ve always known – and it almost makes my skin crawl.

I didn’t hate my life before hand, I just hated my relationship with food.

I’m in a perpetual Question Time with myself around whether or not I’m a food addict and if this program is designed for someone like me.

All I do know is the idea of going back to my old relationship with food, could only end in darkness.

Just overate…

I just overate. Past the point of full, past the point of satisfied.

I can almost pin point when I had had enough, but I kept going. Fear of missing out. Fear of not having it again anytime soon (even though I’ve had the same thing 3 times in 7 days).

I wouldn’t call it a binge because it hasn’t snowballed like they do, it was just a session where I ate more than I needed in that moment.

Feeling very full and very sickly at the moment.

Lesson:

• Listen and read your stomach when ordering food.
• Order the quantity that sits the best with your pre-existing knowledge of your appetite – not your current hunger levels.
• Know that you’ll feel sick if you push past that physical cue to stop.
• Relax and respect the process of eating. Know that you’re nourishing yourself in this moment and that you are taking the time to thank your body for supporting you, endlessly.

Therapy; Round 2, Session 2.

In this session, we went through the below:

1. Addiction, extreme behavior, low emotional intelligence, low emotional processing are all highly present with in my family.
   1. My brother overeats, extreme diets, overeats, binges, extreme diets, etc throughout his entire life.
   2. My mother binge eats to deal with letting go of alcoholism, also overeats.
   3. My nephew is being taught how to hide food, binge, panic around food.
2. No-one knows how to sit with an emotion – instead as a family we seek outside stimulation to numb/process the feeling.
3. Watching my nephew panic around restricted foods is all too familiar. My internal child has the exact same reaction whenever she gets a hold of similar foods – any food that was felt to be restricted.
   1. She/he gets it in her hands and runs into another room, hides, stashes, eats in comfort/private.
   2. Panics when the food is taken away.
   3. Doesn’t share.
   4. Feels the need to hoard and keep safe. Must keep safe. Cannot share. May not ever get again. Have to keep and eat as much as I can.
   5. Cannot relax around food.

 

I seem to carry these habits in my own inner child. She feels like is living in constant fear of the food being taken away from her, she cannot relax into it and know that she can and will have it every day. She lives in seemingly indefinite panic whenever this food is around her.

Solution:

• Make the restricted food apart of each day. Have a moment each day where she receives some type of restricted food in what your adult deems an appropriate quantity for her. It can be chocolate, ice cream, mars bar, brownies, etc.
• Make sure she consumes the item in a quiet, relaxed place. Is not distracted by any devices.
• Make sure the consumption of the food is after one of the main meals; lunch or dinner.
• Ensure the following food structure is in place – breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner, snack (RF).
• Ensure she receives this each day. The same above pattern.
• Ensure she knows there is no need to eat past comfort as there will be more tomorrow and the next day and the next day.
• Ensure the cupboard is kept stocked so she doesn’t feel the panic of loss – at least for the first month or two as she adjusts to the change in dynamic.

 

Amazing practical session.

Reflection

So many of my past posts are invaluable to me.

I read where I was, what I felt, how I coped and it provides an incredible insight into my own experience that I so often over look.

It can be hard to remember that I’ve gone through the healing process before and that it looks exactly the same as this.

The overeating. The bingeing. The guilt. The cycle.

I am eagerly waiting the turning point, where I make an exit out of the cycle and start moving toward practical healing.

I have another therapy session tonight.

Notes are coming.

Volcano Recovery

When I reflect on the last 2-ish years, I feel the full weight of the sunken failure that has brought me to today.

It feels like I am mush.

My internal dialogue is optimistic but incredibly pained and sad that I am here.

I feel sick. Daily.

I binge like I am going to die if I don’t eat more.

In an effort to drown out my sadness I engage in my current habit – bingeing.

I often think that going back to the gym would give me what I want and replace my habit but I am concerned that I won’t be addressing the internal darkness that I will instead be amplifying one of my harshest traits – unrelenting standards.

I struggle with the negotiation between numbing/dealing with my pain and doing what’s best for myself.

I don’t want to form a habit that isn’t going to serve me in the long run – I don’t want a band-aid fix.

I want to heal.

Dear GOD, I want to heal.

I want to heal the pain that swells inside me every night.

I want to heal the wounds that keep me hurt and in a cycle of constant, reoccurring pain.

Eating Patterns and Bingeing

Okay, so, I’ve recently began watching a YouTube blogger who address all the issues I live with.

This Girl Audra . Check her out. This is one of my favorite videos:

She makes a very valid point which I find really helps reframe this behavior and turns it into a simple daily task – instead of a mind journey that drains you every day.

Bingeing = Your bodies attempts to re-feed after periods of restriction

.

It’s a simple biological response. Youre over eating because you have restricted. Most typically, your binge food/s are the things you restrict.

Feed your body well, with all types of food, everyday. Feed and nourish yourself everyday.

Have your binge food/s, every day.

For one of your snacks, have your binge foods. Daily.

When I was doing this during my last recovery, I remember getting to the point where I didn’t even want to the food everyday. Some days ok, but it’s was totally demystified.

I know I’ve learnt this before but she reframes it really well. ❤

Body Dysmorphia

“How disgusting is she?”

“Noone wants to fuck a fat girl.”

“Why have a fat girl when you can have a thin girl?”

“No normal, healthy guy will want her.”

“She’ll only get societies scraps”

“Ew. Gross.”

“Noone will love a fat girl” – My father, when I was 13.

These are not comments to a thread, trolls on the internet or poorly placed comments from strangers.

These have been my own thoughts about myself. They began at age 5 and gained quite a voice in my teen years when some were vocalised by others.

As my mind gains maturity, I begin to slowly, very slowly, leave these thoughts behind.

I view these images with love and actually think I look sexy/attractive/desirable.

Yet, I post them here anonymously for fear of judgement from those I love.

For the girls who still hear those voices and messages, I send to you my love. My love for your body, your soul and your strength. I hope to move you away from your hell and towards the embrace of love, self adoration and the overwhelming joy of knowing those voices are full of shit.

Love you. Xx. ❤

Notes from Recovery & Relapse

An element of this whole journey I haven’t posted much about is the overwhelming trigger that is loneliness.

An absence of connection.

The experience of feeling or being uncomfortably alone.

I am not someone who is afraid to be alone, quiet often I enjoy it immensely.

But I seem to relapse the most when I am alone against my will or too often.

My mind is very active and enjoy a good analysis but being alone too much breads an overuse of this function.

It is not healthy for humans to enjoy only work, sleep and the company of a television series, spotted occasionally with the presence of friends. Even more important when one lives alone and without a romantic partner.

The hardest thing for me is…

Seeing a photo of myself and remembering that I’m only wearing my scars, that what I see isn’t who I am, merely an outward expression of my struggles.