It’s easier not to care…

That is the reality of it all.

It’s easier not to care about yourself – or anyone else; that way you’re never disappointed or hurt.

This is the head-space I find myself in, the first day back.

I returned to Food Addicts Anonymous this week, and today is my official Day 1.

I decided to return, 9 months after leaving the program, because I’ve been in a steady decline into depression and have gained all the weight back plus some.

But mostly I missed the support.

I missed calling people and having people care about how I’m feeling. The members of FA are genuinely there for you, and that’s something I’m not good at creating in my everyday life, on my own.

Sure, I have friends that are there for me, and who can hold space, but I worry about burdening them, and I worry about loading my shit onto them. FA is different. FA members EXPECT you to call and EXPECT you to be open with them about your emotions. It is one of the compulsory steps for every member to have 3 phone calls a day, so this framework of mutually beneficial support opens these emotional doors wide on each member and forces you to be open with yourself and others about how you feel every day – money cannot buy that kind of support; trust me, 5 years of therapy later… I know.

I’ve found myself confronted with a range of not-all-predictable emotions today; doubt, fear, resistance, sadness, lacking, empowerment, resilience, commitment, detox lethargy (caffeine withdrawals), and many more.

It would be possible to just say “nah, this isn’t for me”, but not at all easy. That’s like admitting to everyone I saw today at the meeting, my partner and myself that I’m not strong enough to commit to the things I say I’m going to do, that I’m afraid of this change, that I’m too scared and too weak to see this through – and quite simply, that is not true.

I am strong enough. I am brave enough. I am courageous enough. I can do this. I have done this. I am worth more than my current circumstances. I miss the happy me, the confident me, the vivacious me. The world deserves the best of me, my partner deserves the best of me, I deserve the best of me.

Difficult though it is, I will remain steadfast. Though not perfect, this plan gives me something I so struggle to create on my own; support and structure.

 

Day 1, 2 & 3 – A Recap -Rediscovering Recovery

Day 1: It was a Friday, I remember waking up excited/nervous about being back in the wider world; wider food world. I remember having a normal breakfast, and a normal lunch and went out to dinner. I ate mindfully at dinner, then stopped at the store and purchased a few pleasures I’d been denied for so long. A sampling of my favourites. I shared most of them, took the rest home, had one portion of each and put them away. I haven’t had any since. I’m not depriving myself, I just haven’t felt like any.

Day 2: Yesterday… I had a normal breakfast, no lunch, half a banana and a small normal dinner. I spent the day being a pillow for my cousins new born and food wasn’t anything I felt like for most of the day.

Day 3: Today – Breakfast as per previous post, lunch was 3/4 of a Coffin Croissant made by a friend at her bakery, I said I’d come try and I did. The croissant was delicious, but the fruit filling was much too sour for my liking. I left this:

Today is still in flux and I’m sure I’ll have more to add soon, with dinner and everything.

I will say, that in the past 3 days, I don’t think I’ve finished any of my food. I think that for every single meal I’ve had I’ve either shared it, left some on the plate, taken it with me or put it back – not an intentional behaviour, I’ve just noticed it. I actually think it’s a good habit to have, to always leave something, but I’m mindful not to force it. I want to feel free to eat whatever my body feels to, without restriction, limitation or judgement from inside or outside my mind.

One day at a time.

I will embody peace and balance.

One day at a time.

Day 78 – Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous

23rd of April, 2019

 

Coming out of a four day, long weekend that saw me struggle without the scaffolding of routine, I am hopeful and cautious leading into the week.

I note a familiar bitterness toward the controls and limitations of this program, and my adolescent, rebellious side slamming the door in my face.

It’s refreshing to know my inner adult is keeping me on course and grounded, though as expected, my inner teenager has nothing but angst at the idea of being grounded.

This program really does bring out the real tug-of-war present inside us all. Desire v. Responsibility. Work v. Play. Rest v. Action.

I suppose the nature of ‘adulting’ is to do what you have to do, because you should, not because you want to. Massive eye roll later and here we are, still abstinent, still on track.

I realised there is also a defining moment of ‘difference’. Feeling like you’re existing outside the life you’ve always known – and it almost makes my skin crawl.

I didn’t hate my life before hand, I just hated my relationship with food.

I’m in a perpetual Question Time with myself around whether or not I’m a food addict and if this program is designed for someone like me.

All I do know is the idea of going back to my old relationship with food, could only end in darkness.

Just overate…

I just overate. Past the point of full, past the point of satisfied.

I can almost pin point when I had had enough, but I kept going. Fear of missing out. Fear of not having it again anytime soon (even though I’ve had the same thing 3 times in 7 days).

I wouldn’t call it a binge because it hasn’t snowballed like they do, it was just a session where I ate more than I needed in that moment.

Feeling very full and very sickly at the moment.

Lesson:

• Listen and read your stomach when ordering food.
• Order the quantity that sits the best with your pre-existing knowledge of your appetite – not your current hunger levels.
• Know that you’ll feel sick if you push past that physical cue to stop.
• Relax and respect the process of eating. Know that you’re nourishing yourself in this moment and that you are taking the time to thank your body for supporting you, endlessly.

Therapy; Round 2, Session 2.

In this session, we went through the below:

1. Addiction, extreme behavior, low emotional intelligence, low emotional processing are all highly present with in my family.
   1. My brother overeats, extreme diets, overeats, binges, extreme diets, etc throughout his entire life.
   2. My mother binge eats to deal with letting go of alcoholism, also overeats.
   3. My nephew is being taught how to hide food, binge, panic around food.
2. No-one knows how to sit with an emotion – instead as a family we seek outside stimulation to numb/process the feeling.
3. Watching my nephew panic around restricted foods is all too familiar. My internal child has the exact same reaction whenever she gets a hold of similar foods – any food that was felt to be restricted.
   1. She/he gets it in her hands and runs into another room, hides, stashes, eats in comfort/private.
   2. Panics when the food is taken away.
   3. Doesn’t share.
   4. Feels the need to hoard and keep safe. Must keep safe. Cannot share. May not ever get again. Have to keep and eat as much as I can.
   5. Cannot relax around food.

 

I seem to carry these habits in my own inner child. She feels like is living in constant fear of the food being taken away from her, she cannot relax into it and know that she can and will have it every day. She lives in seemingly indefinite panic whenever this food is around her.

Solution:

• Make the restricted food apart of each day. Have a moment each day where she receives some type of restricted food in what your adult deems an appropriate quantity for her. It can be chocolate, ice cream, mars bar, brownies, etc.
• Make sure she consumes the item in a quiet, relaxed place. Is not distracted by any devices.
• Make sure the consumption of the food is after one of the main meals; lunch or dinner.
• Ensure the following food structure is in place – breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner, snack (RF).
• Ensure she receives this each day. The same above pattern.
• Ensure she knows there is no need to eat past comfort as there will be more tomorrow and the next day and the next day.
• Ensure the cupboard is kept stocked so she doesn’t feel the panic of loss – at least for the first month or two as she adjusts to the change in dynamic.

 

Amazing practical session.

Eating Patterns and Bingeing

Okay, so, I’ve recently began watching a YouTube blogger who address all the issues I live with.

This Girl Audra . Check her out. This is one of my favorite videos:

She makes a very valid point which I find really helps reframe this behavior and turns it into a simple daily task – instead of a mind journey that drains you every day.

Bingeing = Your bodies attempts to re-feed after periods of restriction

.

It’s a simple biological response. Youre over eating because you have restricted. Most typically, your binge food/s are the things you restrict.

Feed your body well, with all types of food, everyday. Feed and nourish yourself everyday.

Have your binge food/s, every day.

For one of your snacks, have your binge foods. Daily.

When I was doing this during my last recovery, I remember getting to the point where I didn’t even want to the food everyday. Some days ok, but it’s was totally demystified.

I know I’ve learnt this before but she reframes it really well. ❤

Body Dysmorphia

“How disgusting is she?”

“Noone wants to fuck a fat girl.”

“Why have a fat girl when you can have a thin girl?”

“No normal, healthy guy will want her.”

“She’ll only get societies scraps”

“Ew. Gross.”

“Noone will love a fat girl” – My father, when I was 13.

These are not comments to a thread, trolls on the internet or poorly placed comments from strangers.

These have been my own thoughts about myself. They began at age 5 and gained quite a voice in my teen years when some were vocalised by others.

As my mind gains maturity, I begin to slowly, very slowly, leave these thoughts behind.

I view these images with love and actually think I look sexy/attractive/desirable.

Yet, I post them here anonymously for fear of judgement from those I love.

For the girls who still hear those voices and messages, I send to you my love. My love for your body, your soul and your strength. I hope to move you away from your hell and towards the embrace of love, self adoration and the overwhelming joy of knowing those voices are full of shit.

Love you. Xx. ❤

Relapse is instrumental in growth.

Do not be afraid of a relapse.

They remind you this is a journey.

If you were never uncomfortable you’d never learn anything.

Don’t expect perfection; it’s not possible and it will always make you feel inadequate.

Give your best. Don’t compare yourself to someone else’s journey. Love yourself.

Hey boo…

UPDATE:

1. I went back to Therapy last week (Best thing I could have done for myself).
2. Feeling like I’m back on track to recovery.
3. Currently reading:
   1. The Kindness Pact – Domonique Bertolucci
      1. I actually feel I could read this book over and over and over again. A very easy read, small, compact book. Lent to me by my Therapist, I am going to buy my own copy and maybe buy a few and give them to my friends.

   2. Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem – Matthew McKay

      1. A far more technical read, much more dry. Containing some great insights, less instructional more informative.
4. Currently working with:
   1. Gratitude Journal – Kikki K
   2. Yoga
   3. Dance
   4. Affirmations

 

Okay, so, while reading The Kindness Pact this morning, I came across a paragraph that really resonated with me. I think of my situation as a daily struggle. I think that each day I will struggle to make the right choices and I’ll have a hard time saying no to chocolate and I’ll have to fight myself . I worry every morning when I wake up that my day will be a repeat of a binge. I worry that I’ll let myself down. I worry that I won’t be my best – then I read this:

“Worrying is a destructive habit. It can be both consuming and exhausting, but for all the energy it absorbs it offers you nothing in return. Not only is worrying a waste of energy, it also sends a clear message to your subconscious about your expectations in life. When you worry things might go wrong, your subconscious interprets this as an expectation that things will go wrong.”

So today I tell myself this:

“I am confident I will make the right choices for myself today and everyday”

I need to, I will, I do:

1. Trust myself
2. Have confidence in my abilities to do what is best for me
3. Have confidence in my strengths and weaknesses
4. Love myself
5. Worry less and focus on right now
6. Live in each moment
7. Focus on my ideal future and be the best version of myself to make that happen

To be continued…

… and this is how I stopped bingeing the first time.

For the lest few weeks I’ve still found myself bingeing quite a lot. Almost everyday.

Even though I’ve felt myself mentally and emotionally progressing, I’ve still found myself bingeing almost nightly.

This morning I awoke with the notion that I had to go back to what I learnt when I first began therapy, and with that I dug up the old hand outs I was provided and I found the one that spoke to corrective behavioral therapy – the method that works the best for me.

Essentially, I’m always eating. I have 6 meals/snacks everyday – which is actually quite difficult.

I find that I constantly feel satisfied/full, at times it is often difficult to have the allocated meal.

I remember this significantly diminishing my bingeing, as I never felt hungry – ergo never mistook hunger for craving. HUGE IMPACT ON MY LIFE! HUGGEEEEE!

It freed up my emotions, I became more positive. I never thought about food, the turn around was incredible!

I was never dieting, I always ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I just learnt to listen to my body and only ever ate until I’d had enough.

The behavioral changes are in this document, and I hope you get as much out of this mini-bible as I did/do! 😀

Document below:

Overcoming Binge Eating