It’s easier not to care…

That is the reality of it all.

It’s easier not to care about yourself – or anyone else; that way you’re never disappointed or hurt.

This is the head-space I find myself in, the first day back.

I returned to Food Addicts Anonymous this week, and today is my official Day 1.

I decided to return, 9 months after leaving the program, because I’ve been in a steady decline into depression and have gained all the weight back plus some.

But mostly I missed the support.

I missed calling people and having people care about how I’m feeling. The members of FA are genuinely there for you, and that’s something I’m not good at creating in my everyday life, on my own.

Sure, I have friends that are there for me, and who can hold space, but I worry about burdening them, and I worry about loading my shit onto them. FA is different. FA members EXPECT you to call and EXPECT you to be open with them about your emotions. It is one of the compulsory steps for every member to have 3 phone calls a day, so this framework of mutually beneficial support opens these emotional doors wide on each member and forces you to be open with yourself and others about how you feel every day – money cannot buy that kind of support; trust me, 5 years of therapy later… I know.

I’ve found myself confronted with a range of not-all-predictable emotions today; doubt, fear, resistance, sadness, lacking, empowerment, resilience, commitment, detox lethargy (caffeine withdrawals), and many more.

It would be possible to just say “nah, this isn’t for me”, but not at all easy. That’s like admitting to everyone I saw today at the meeting, my partner and myself that I’m not strong enough to commit to the things I say I’m going to do, that I’m afraid of this change, that I’m too scared and too weak to see this through – and quite simply, that is not true.

I am strong enough. I am brave enough. I am courageous enough. I can do this. I have done this. I am worth more than my current circumstances. I miss the happy me, the confident me, the vivacious me. The world deserves the best of me, my partner deserves the best of me, I deserve the best of me.

Difficult though it is, I will remain steadfast. Though not perfect, this plan gives me something I so struggle to create on my own; support and structure.

 

Day 78 – Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous

23rd of April, 2019

 

Coming out of a four day, long weekend that saw me struggle without the scaffolding of routine, I am hopeful and cautious leading into the week.

I note a familiar bitterness toward the controls and limitations of this program, and my adolescent, rebellious side slamming the door in my face.

It’s refreshing to know my inner adult is keeping me on course and grounded, though as expected, my inner teenager has nothing but angst at the idea of being grounded.

This program really does bring out the real tug-of-war present inside us all. Desire v. Responsibility. Work v. Play. Rest v. Action.

I suppose the nature of ‘adulting’ is to do what you have to do, because you should, not because you want to. Massive eye roll later and here we are, still abstinent, still on track.

I realised there is also a defining moment of ‘difference’. Feeling like you’re existing outside the life you’ve always known – and it almost makes my skin crawl.

I didn’t hate my life before hand, I just hated my relationship with food.

I’m in a perpetual Question Time with myself around whether or not I’m a food addict and if this program is designed for someone like me.

All I do know is the idea of going back to my old relationship with food, could only end in darkness.

Therapy: Round 2, Session 3

Last night we talked about the below:

Why am I in therapy?

• Happiness
• Normality
• Finally Grow Up Internally

Where am I at in this round?

• I feel my inner toddler has been tended to, she is happy and bubbly most of the time.
• My inner 10-14 year old is the final stage
  • She is rebellious, scared, sensitive and afraid.
  • Her sassy-ness is wearing away and behind it I am finding someone who is afraid of being wrong, someone who has deep roots in feeling bad/wrong/insufficient/inadequate.
  • Her rebellion is lessening the further we go.

What are my current triggers?

• Need to be alone
• Feeling of wrongness
• Nervousness
• Social Pressure
• Panic around not being fed – not enough structured and installed meals
• Misreading actual hunger and bingeing

What am I currently working on?

• Habits
• Mature Body and Mature Mind making all eating decisions – Separating the innocent emotions and their reactions from the activity of eating. Closing the door on eating processes when we feel emotional and sitting with the emotion – allow it to be discussed, felt, cry if needed, console and move forward.
• Nurturing myself and embracing the feeling and knowledge that my magic is real. Investing in my internal magic so it can radiate throughout my entire world.
• Trigger recognition
• Trusting the internal adult – building confidence in her as she nurtures with a firm tone and loves with affection and praise. Trusting in her as her boundaries are set and provide a safe place in which to conduct ourselves. This trust is one of the most important elements to recovery.
• The management of guilt and shame; see – http://www.huffingtonpost.com/hale-dwoskin/guilt-and-shame_b_3862489.html? – These two feelings are often responses to strong unrelenting standards. A real need to understand that 75% is ok, sometimes 50% is ok. Being kind and gentle with myself again. Moving away from demanding and panicked exceptions around wanting something different. Understanding how valuable this process is long term and that for lifelong results I have to slow down, and know that each small decision will become the bigger picture and soon enough I will blink and be where I wanted to be.

Just overate…

I just overate. Past the point of full, past the point of satisfied.

I can almost pin point when I had had enough, but I kept going. Fear of missing out. Fear of not having it again anytime soon (even though I’ve had the same thing 3 times in 7 days).

I wouldn’t call it a binge because it hasn’t snowballed like they do, it was just a session where I ate more than I needed in that moment.

Feeling very full and very sickly at the moment.

Lesson:

• Listen and read your stomach when ordering food.
• Order the quantity that sits the best with your pre-existing knowledge of your appetite – not your current hunger levels.
• Know that you’ll feel sick if you push past that physical cue to stop.
• Relax and respect the process of eating. Know that you’re nourishing yourself in this moment and that you are taking the time to thank your body for supporting you, endlessly.

Therapy; Round 2, Session 2.

In this session, we went through the below:

1. Addiction, extreme behavior, low emotional intelligence, low emotional processing are all highly present with in my family.
   1. My brother overeats, extreme diets, overeats, binges, extreme diets, etc throughout his entire life.
   2. My mother binge eats to deal with letting go of alcoholism, also overeats.
   3. My nephew is being taught how to hide food, binge, panic around food.
2. No-one knows how to sit with an emotion – instead as a family we seek outside stimulation to numb/process the feeling.
3. Watching my nephew panic around restricted foods is all too familiar. My internal child has the exact same reaction whenever she gets a hold of similar foods – any food that was felt to be restricted.
   1. She/he gets it in her hands and runs into another room, hides, stashes, eats in comfort/private.
   2. Panics when the food is taken away.
   3. Doesn’t share.
   4. Feels the need to hoard and keep safe. Must keep safe. Cannot share. May not ever get again. Have to keep and eat as much as I can.
   5. Cannot relax around food.

 

I seem to carry these habits in my own inner child. She feels like is living in constant fear of the food being taken away from her, she cannot relax into it and know that she can and will have it every day. She lives in seemingly indefinite panic whenever this food is around her.

Solution:

• Make the restricted food apart of each day. Have a moment each day where she receives some type of restricted food in what your adult deems an appropriate quantity for her. It can be chocolate, ice cream, mars bar, brownies, etc.
• Make sure she consumes the item in a quiet, relaxed place. Is not distracted by any devices.
• Make sure the consumption of the food is after one of the main meals; lunch or dinner.
• Ensure the following food structure is in place – breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner, snack (RF).
• Ensure she receives this each day. The same above pattern.
• Ensure she knows there is no need to eat past comfort as there will be more tomorrow and the next day and the next day.
• Ensure the cupboard is kept stocked so she doesn’t feel the panic of loss – at least for the first month or two as she adjusts to the change in dynamic.

 

Amazing practical session.

Volcano Recovery

When I reflect on the last 2-ish years, I feel the full weight of the sunken failure that has brought me to today.

It feels like I am mush.

My internal dialogue is optimistic but incredibly pained and sad that I am here.

I feel sick. Daily.

I binge like I am going to die if I don’t eat more.

In an effort to drown out my sadness I engage in my current habit – bingeing.

I often think that going back to the gym would give me what I want and replace my habit but I am concerned that I won’t be addressing the internal darkness that I will instead be amplifying one of my harshest traits – unrelenting standards.

I struggle with the negotiation between numbing/dealing with my pain and doing what’s best for myself.

I don’t want to form a habit that isn’t going to serve me in the long run – I don’t want a band-aid fix.

I want to heal.

Dear GOD, I want to heal.

I want to heal the pain that swells inside me every night.

I want to heal the wounds that keep me hurt and in a cycle of constant, reoccurring pain.

Body Dysmorphia

“How disgusting is she?”

“Noone wants to fuck a fat girl.”

“Why have a fat girl when you can have a thin girl?”

“No normal, healthy guy will want her.”

“She’ll only get societies scraps”

“Ew. Gross.”

“Noone will love a fat girl” – My father, when I was 13.

These are not comments to a thread, trolls on the internet or poorly placed comments from strangers.

These have been my own thoughts about myself. They began at age 5 and gained quite a voice in my teen years when some were vocalised by others.

As my mind gains maturity, I begin to slowly, very slowly, leave these thoughts behind.

I view these images with love and actually think I look sexy/attractive/desirable.

Yet, I post them here anonymously for fear of judgement from those I love.

For the girls who still hear those voices and messages, I send to you my love. My love for your body, your soul and your strength. I hope to move you away from your hell and towards the embrace of love, self adoration and the overwhelming joy of knowing those voices are full of shit.

Love you. Xx. ❤

Notes from Recovery

Current mood and outlook:

Calm, happy, not  anxious, not dreading the next meal. Just calm and relieved. Slowly building confidence in how amazing this approach is. Fear is here, talking some doubt shit. But this place is familiar, I’ve been here before, it felt like this last time it worked – so I decided to put it down in case I forget it.

Current Practice:

* Never diet. Don’t even give it the time of day in your mind.

* Eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. Know that you will feed yourself AT LEAST three times a day. Any amount of snacks are okay too, becuase I eat when I want food. The three meal structure can often be hard to meet, because it ends up being a lot of food some days; other days, it’s not enough. The anticipation of these meals stop hunger fueled binges; when I get hungry I look at my next closest meal and usually it’s at or around the time of one of those meals, so I check in with my body, ask her what she feels like, run through a list of options and wait for one to light her up.

* Mindful eating. When I’m eating I take a potion of the food, lower the fork or food and chew. Thinking about the texture and really enjoying the taste. This is no race. I slowly eat my meals, allowing for my body to communicate with my mind. There comes a point when I lose interest in the food or my body clearly says, STOP, IM DONE. At this point I know to pack up. If you’re like me and can find it hard to leave half your plate behind or throw it out (this happens at almost every meal, except snacks) think about these points:- thank the food, for nourishing you before disposing of it; the money spent on the food is ALREADY GONE, no point trying to get your value and overeating, food is there to provide nourishment, you have no obligation to eat every morsel. Eat until you are nourished and the food has done it’s job.

Get used to getting a doggy bag, more often than not I take half my food home. You don’t need to throw it out. It can be dinner or lunch the next day. Could be a side to dinner. Could be a snack later on. Doggy bags are life.

* Listen to your body. I cannot stress enough the importance of listening to your body. I come from a looooooong history of eating disorders and through this past I was lead to believe I couldn’t trust my body, that she was against me, she didn’t want to be healthy, she was making me eat all these horrible things and ruining my life. Now I know all my faculties were doing the best the knew how to support me emotionally, physically and otherwise. Unfortunately this distrust meant when I felt sick every day I overate it was a sort of revenge. I didn’t care that I felt sick until it hurt. Every time it hurt I knew what I was doing was killing me. Trusting my body was what set me free. She knows what she needs, she has no fear telling me. She is the only voice I can trust to know what is best for me. Her whole job is to keep my mind alive, healthy and in optimal condition. I had to stop trying to make choices for her and allow her to make the choices that suit her the best.

With all of the above in mind, my anxiety had gone. I don’t fear eating, meal times, food and make decisions. THE DECISION ISNT MINE ANYMOREEEEE. My body now makes the choices and relinquishing the responsibility back to where it belongs is such a relief. I don’t fear if I will binge, I don’t fear if I will make bad choices. The doubt lingers like an unwelcome party guest, but I have to have total faith in my body and her abilities. My mind has no idea what’s the best and thus far has made horrible decisions for my body. There is ZERO restrictions. No bad food. No diets. Everything is available. If my body says it’s keen, I am keen. She gets exactly how much she needs. We carry on. Food becomes a moot issue. Trust is implicit and each day we get stronger as an alliance.

Hey boo…

UPDATE:

1. I went back to Therapy last week (Best thing I could have done for myself).
2. Feeling like I’m back on track to recovery.
3. Currently reading:
   1. The Kindness Pact – Domonique Bertolucci
      1. I actually feel I could read this book over and over and over again. A very easy read, small, compact book. Lent to me by my Therapist, I am going to buy my own copy and maybe buy a few and give them to my friends.

   2. Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem – Matthew McKay

      1. A far more technical read, much more dry. Containing some great insights, less instructional more informative.
4. Currently working with:
   1. Gratitude Journal – Kikki K
   2. Yoga
   3. Dance
   4. Affirmations

 

Okay, so, while reading The Kindness Pact this morning, I came across a paragraph that really resonated with me. I think of my situation as a daily struggle. I think that each day I will struggle to make the right choices and I’ll have a hard time saying no to chocolate and I’ll have to fight myself . I worry every morning when I wake up that my day will be a repeat of a binge. I worry that I’ll let myself down. I worry that I won’t be my best – then I read this:

“Worrying is a destructive habit. It can be both consuming and exhausting, but for all the energy it absorbs it offers you nothing in return. Not only is worrying a waste of energy, it also sends a clear message to your subconscious about your expectations in life. When you worry things might go wrong, your subconscious interprets this as an expectation that things will go wrong.”

So today I tell myself this:

“I am confident I will make the right choices for myself today and everyday”

I need to, I will, I do:

1. Trust myself
2. Have confidence in my abilities to do what is best for me
3. Have confidence in my strengths and weaknesses
4. Love myself
5. Worry less and focus on right now
6. Live in each moment
7. Focus on my ideal future and be the best version of myself to make that happen

To be continued…

… and this is how I stopped bingeing the first time.

For the lest few weeks I’ve still found myself bingeing quite a lot. Almost everyday.

Even though I’ve felt myself mentally and emotionally progressing, I’ve still found myself bingeing almost nightly.

This morning I awoke with the notion that I had to go back to what I learnt when I first began therapy, and with that I dug up the old hand outs I was provided and I found the one that spoke to corrective behavioral therapy – the method that works the best for me.

Essentially, I’m always eating. I have 6 meals/snacks everyday – which is actually quite difficult.

I find that I constantly feel satisfied/full, at times it is often difficult to have the allocated meal.

I remember this significantly diminishing my bingeing, as I never felt hungry – ergo never mistook hunger for craving. HUGE IMPACT ON MY LIFE! HUGGEEEEE!

It freed up my emotions, I became more positive. I never thought about food, the turn around was incredible!

I was never dieting, I always ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I just learnt to listen to my body and only ever ate until I’d had enough.

The behavioral changes are in this document, and I hope you get as much out of this mini-bible as I did/do! 😀

Document below:

Overcoming Binge Eating