22nd of April, 2019
“I don’t want to do this any more, I don’t want this program telling me what to do anymore! I’m sick of feeling like I don’t have my life and I don’t have my self will!”
My internal dialogue this weekend has been rough. It feels like my inner child had the worlds biggest tantrum today because she thought the holiday period was going to be a time for rest, and a time for relaxation.
She rebelled aggressively and just wanted to feel like she could have some say over what she did with her time.
Curiously, I’ve been trying to figure out if there is/was more to this tantrum than met the eye. The only factors that keep coming up were; I was tired, I was feeling numb, I wanted excitement and I wanted to feel alive.
The clear feeling of ‘brat’ was felt within.
The program – up until this long weekend – has been fairly easy for me. No real ups and downs that have brought me to my knees. I can say I think I got the closest to giving up I’ve been this weekend.
I fantasied about how easy it would be to enjoy Easter like everyone else, partake in the chocolate extravaganza happening around the world.
I chose not to.
I chose not to unravel all the work I’ve already done and I chose to pray for commitment to the program and the strength to realign myself.
I actively ensured I completed all my tools intentionally (thus far I have, 2 calls left to make and a prayer tonight).
I’ve found that out of my normal routine, I need to be cautious and still practical about my daily requirements, in order to ensure I stay on the path.
I’m looking forward to a better tomorrow and the next day.
BEDsecrets 